Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
You Might Also Like
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
Wife: You’re shirtless?
*nods*
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.
-Oh
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
How dude HOW?!
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc