[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
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It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
Is this you?
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges