the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
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iPhone X
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
My kids devour food so quickly that my fridge has been broken for two months and nobody realized.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
He-man has a Masters degree
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
I never text people “good morning” first because I’m not a damn liar.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.