If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single