Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
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Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
[fumbling with my phone as I’m being murdered]
ME: *takes picture of my home screen*
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]