[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
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American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Lmfaoooooo
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
PARKOUR
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.