My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
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HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Canadian owl: Eh?
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
me in 2018: surely next year will be better
me in 2019: well at least it can’t get any worse than this
me in 2020: *walking into the ocean holding a brick in each hand* ok bye
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone: