[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
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date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔