Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
You Might Also Like
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Optional boss fight.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks