My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
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Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Is….Is this an option?
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Me: My beautiful daughter, I would cross oceans and move mountains for you. I would fly into the darkness if I knew it would make you happy.
Daughter: Can I have a Dorito?
Me: I’m sorry but these are, unfortunately, my Doritos.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.