HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
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me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Bobby pin
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
when u get so high u forget u ordered food