I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
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Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Spider-cat: No One Home
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ᴱ
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
Tip: “At the same time” has more characters than “simultaneously.”
The point is, having a vocabulary helps you tweet gooder.
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell