I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
How actors in movies eat their food
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.