I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
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*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.