When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
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Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
When friends or family ask me if I’m going to have another baby, I just gesture at the chaos of my life and yell, “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution