Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
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*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I know this now 😂
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Stop blaming your parents.
You’re 32.
Blame your spouse.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.