I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
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The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Matt Goss
When my 5yo brought home a library book called “People Don’t Bite People” I was really hoping this wasn’t a story his teacher recommended for him
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
I dunno why but this feels like a trap
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA