Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
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*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Considering “natural” childbirth?
You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks