I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
You Might Also Like
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
See..?
.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies