So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
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[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If you look to me for any advice, what comes next, as well as any subsequent jail time, is on you.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.