Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
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Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
First rule of flight club…no penguins.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
Harsh but fair
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.