Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Good morning
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.