Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
How it started How it’s going