Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
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Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source