Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
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[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Me, reading some of your tweets
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
me a half hour into explaining the future to a time traveller: I don’t know how they did it but im glad they did
guy from the 1600’s: and they’re called dortios?
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by