[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
Alexa: *deep breath*
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Wednesday
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?