How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
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HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS