microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
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When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
i meant to share this earlier
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!