My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
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paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.