Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
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Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
scenes of unspeakable carnage
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
twitter is a journey
the clam before the storm
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.