I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
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I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Took my 4yo to the optician to get new glasses and before we left, the optician asked if he had any questions and he thought about it then said “why can’t we just eat cake for breakfast” and I was pleased because I wanted to know the answer to that too
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”