Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
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Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
let me be very clear: i would rather attend a Pig’s wedding than attempt to sift through the dumpster you people have made out of my dm box,
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
It’s rude when people ask me what I did all day like growing my hair isn’t enough.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.