Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
You Might Also Like
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
My son’s teacher just emailed all the parents to say she hoped we had a long and relaxing weekend as if she doesn’t know the kids have been home with us.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.