Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
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“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I legit had to reread this several times before I realised it wasn’t intended to be a conversation between the Beta Male and the Alpha Male.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
Squirrels before girls.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
Can’t. Being lazy.
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.