How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
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Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
RT if you could go either way.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator