Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
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if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones