Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
You Might Also Like
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
Me if I was a dog
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys