neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
You Might Also Like
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.