8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
You Might Also Like
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
5 has poison ivy on his entire body so if you wondered what would make a 5 yo more annoying it’s having poison ivy on his entire body.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?