Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
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A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
What’s the difference between a a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos,
a sock takes 5 toes.#SockDay #SundayVibes #RubbishJokes
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
him: how long for a table
me: they’re about 5 ft across
him: no the wait
me: about 78 lbs
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”