Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
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Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.
Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?
Canada.
I’m just sayin’
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant