“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
What even happened today?
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”