[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”
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Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
[first day as a botany professor]
me: who can tell me why plants release pollen in the spring?
student: to reproduce?
me: wrong. it’s to torture me specifically
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: