A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
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Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing
Me: fine
[Later]
Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”