My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
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The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
multitasking lunch
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
mumsnet is amazing
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
The internet is magic sometimes.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.