[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
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deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
me 2 months after i graduated
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
[to serial killer]
WAIT! If you kill me, you’ll never know how my erotic vampire fan fiction turns out!
*killing intensifies*
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…