Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
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sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
[spelling bee]
Your word is ’embarrassing’
“Oh I don’t mind, you can say it”
No, it’s really ’embarrassing’
“Ok, I promise not to laugh”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.