the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
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We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*