As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
You Might Also Like
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
When they try to steal your moment.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.