My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
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How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Customize Your Wedding.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.